Twas the Night Before... - Omphuss

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

I am very pleased with the outcome of this assignment. I have parodied the parody by simply copying the original poem in its entirety. In doing so, I am turning the whole concept of parody on its head. In one deft stroke, I have made a revolutionary statement and "kept it clean". If you fail to appreciate and/or acknowledge my genius, go fuck yourself.

"Merry Christmas, everybody!"

Note: Please imagine this last bit, my personal holiday greeting, said in the voice and manner of a cherubic retard. It is really touching that way, as long as you don't go so far as to make the retard a real drooler or give them a cleft palate. It gets creepy when you overlay the wonderful holiday sentiment with the sound of the wind whistling through the natural gap where their hard palate should be.

I wish I had not thought of that. I am haunted by the image.

Jesus...now I have given the little freak a pubscent moustache of which he is unnaturally proud.

Ah, Jimminy, now I have grown this little fucker up in my mind to 22 and he is working late in a pool hall because he has no where else to go and he is sucking on a bar bottle of Old Milwaukee, and it is splattering down his chin because even after 20 something years, drinking from a bottle is hard for him, so hard he really shouldn't try. It is a blessing that the really big girl in the corner is willing to call herself his girlfriend and that she bought them matching Santa hats. She is thinking about how hard she is going to blow him later. Ah, Christmas is beautiful.

Damn...he peed himself.

Twas the Night Before Christmas Challenge

By Christmas Eve, you are to write a parody of the traditional Night Before Christmas.  Try and keep it clean boys....

Twas the Night in DC- Woodpecker

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through DC,
Not a politician was cooperating, not Hatch or Pelosi.
The Democrats were fighting and not always real fair,
In hopes all Americans would have universal health care.

The pundits were nestled all snug in their beds,
Who’ll win this new battle, the blues or the reds?
Michele Obama in her kerchief and Barack in his cap
Had just settled America for a long 4 year nap.

When out on the South Lawn while Biden worked on his tan,
Barack proclaimed to all who’d hear, “Change? Yes we can!”
Away to the cameras, every reporter had the urge,
We’re now focusing on Afghanistan; it’s time for a surge.

Glenn Beck on the TV for the viewers of Fox News Channel,
Gave the lustre of The Tea Party to an angry progressive panel.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But 8 of our past Presidents, the ghosts of yester year.

Now Washington, Now Adams, Now Jefferson and Hayes
On FDR, On Woodrow, On Lincoln and JFK.
To our monuments! To our legacy! To the constitution we wrote,
We’ll protect our borders and we don’t need a moat.

And then in a twinkling through the darkness and din,
Appeared another great man, his name was Ben Franklin.
Down the chimney he arrived, he came with a bound,
There was hope on the way; he’d turn this country around.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
The Democrats didn’t like him, the Republicans went berzerk.
And then in a flash, with a laugh that was hearty,
He proclaimed his first law, no more political parties.

He wrote this new law with a pen that was feather,
We’ll end all of this fighting and instead work together.
Over the next few days they cancelled all programs pending,
They agreed to do what was right and reduce government spending.

It took a bit of time, but on Christmas Eve they were done,
They had all got along, and some even had fun.
Taxes were now lower and our troops back on US soil,
Ben’s job was now finished, he’d put an end to the turmoil.

He sprang to his feet, threw the old budget in the trash,
Collected all of the Presidents and vanished in a flash.
But I heard him exclaim, before they disappeared from my sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!

Sick Love - Omphuss

Why Tori Amos Would Be an Ideal Girlfriend

Here are some of the pros and cons to having Tori Amos as your girlfriend.

Pro: No matter what you did, whatever the last guy did it was worse and she would have written a song about that prick.

Con: The break-up would be all dramatic and then you would be the prick and she would write a song about you.

Pro: After the break-up, Tori Amos would, without fail, write a song about you. Her lawyers would make sure that it wasn't so bad and that you could not be specifically identified but every time she made that face at the end of her latest "men are douchebags and my daddy tried to see me naked" song, you would know that she was making that face at you. It would be better than getting to smack her right after she finished singing her latest "men are douchebags..." song.

Con: She could have an enormous, firey bush. I mean enormous, something that would embarrass a Russian peasant.

Pro: Come on, Tori Amos is such a headcase that you know she tore out all of her pubic hair while Lindsay Lohan was still trying to become a Mousekateer.

Con: She may have kept that pubic hair.

Pro: You could probably sell her pubic hair to a fat woman who owns all of Tori's European releases. Sell it for a lot and don't ask what the fat lady intends to do with it. Nobody needs to know about a Tori Amos merkin.

Pro: She would buy you all sorts of gifts.

Con: The gifts would suck, like a really, really nice dream catcher or her hymen suspended in pure grain alcohol.

Pro: You could probably sell those gifts, along with her pubic hair, to her fattest fan and buy a 60 inch flat panel television or an ATV.

Con: If you ever made a sex tape with Tori Amos and that sex tape "accidentally" found its way to the open market, Tori Amos has that sort of skin that gets really angry during sex and people would inevitably think, "Oh my god, he punched her in the pussy while they were having sex."

Pro: People would think that you had puncher her in the pussy...regularly.

Con: The police or a judge might think you had punched her in the pussy and that never bodes well during the sentencing phase.

Pro: You could easily pretend that you were sexing up Kerri from Mythbusters.

Con: Somehow, Grant from Mythbusters would definitely come into play in the fantasy and it would be the Grant before he got his teeth fixed. It could also be Jamie and you would be forced to think, "What the hell is in his moustache?"

Pro: I think Tori Amos' dad was some sort of minister. You could wear a roman collar to bed and it would definitely get weird, in a good way.

Con: You might have to go to church when you visited her parents.

Pro: Church might make her hot. She is a headcase.

Con: All your friends would always be like, "Dude, you had sex with Tori Amos."

Pro: What the hell did they ever do with their dicks? You banged Tori Amos.

Sick Love- Woodpecker

The assigment from Omphuss is to write a one page meditation on sick love.  I struggled in a major way with this one and here's how it turned out. 

January 10th


Dear Diary:

I met the greatest guy today at my dad’s office. Tall, dark, and handsome doesn’t do him justice. We chatted for a few minutes, went out for coffee, and literally talked for hours. At the end he asked me out for this Friday. He seems like such a great guy!!! I didn’t tell him I was the boss’ daughter. I don’t want him to get freaked out.

January 14th

Dear Diary:

The date with Charlie was amazing!! He is so sweet and funny and quite the gentleman. I’m not used to having a guy open doors for me and pull out chairs. I had the most incredible time in the world. We laughed and laughed and talked until 2 am. He walked me to the door and gave me a soft kiss good night. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think he might be the one.

January 23rd

Dear Diary:

First time sex with Charlie!! He was so great. He was gentle and caring and so in tune to what my needs were. Afterward I just laid in his arms and fell asleep. I could not ask for a more amazing man.

January 28th

Dear Diary:

Introduced Charlie to my friends. They all love him and think we are a great match. We had great laughs. Carol and Judy think we look a lot alike. Weird ,but we did all agree that our children would certainly be beautiful. I know I shouldn’t be talking kids yet, but I just can’t help it.

February 4th

Dear Diary:

Sex with Charlie has become an adventure. I feel so comfortable with him that I’m willing to open myself up and try anything. I’ve discovered that Charlie definitely has a kinky side to him and we’ve been experimenting with toys and some of his fetishes. Normally I’d be a little freaked out, but I think he’s the one.

On another note, spoke to dad today and he’s got some exciting news for me. Not sure what it is, but maybe I’ll tell him about Charlie when we have dinner next week.

February 8th

Dear Diary:

Sex last night with Charlie was a little weird. He asked me to pee on him while he had an orgasm. I agreed and he seemed to really enjoy it. I’m not sure about it, but my desire to keep him happy and interested outweighs any of my fears.

February 13th

Dear Diary:

Went to my dad’s office to meet him for dinner and overheard my dad and Charlie yelling at each other. Not sure what it was about, but I wasn’t about to tell Dad about him over dinner. Not gonna tell Charlie about Dad either. Good thing I changed my mind, because Dad’s news was a real shocker. Apparently he had a one night stand a few months before he started dating mom and has a son!! You’d think I’d be angry, or upset, but actually I just can’t wait to meet him. Two new and important men in my life in the last month!! I’m the luckiest woman on earth.

February 20th

Dear Diary:

I would have never thought that a Golden Shower would be tame, but it was compared with last night. I’m too embarrassed to even write what happened. Dinner with Dad in a couple of nights. I get to meet my newly discovered step brother!! I’m going to invite Charlie to come with me.

February 21st

Dear Diary:

I’m a little disappointed Charlie can’t come to dinner tomorrow night. He says he already has plans but I feel he’s hiding something. Maybe it’s because I refused to let him, well you know, last night. Maybe he’s no longer interested.

February 22nd

Dear Diary:

Much to my surprise Charlie did show up for dinner tonight with Dad. And much to my even bigger surprise, Charlie is my brother.

February 25th

Dear Diary:

I had sex with Charlie today. I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. I just needed one more time before I broke it off. I was surprised he said yes and the closeness we shared will stay with me forever. I don’t know what the future brings, but I sure can’t wait for the next family get together!!

Limerick Challenge

Based on a growing amount of actrimony to our fellow scribe "Michaels Mom", our next challenge is to write a limerick describing his ultimate demise.  He'll be known as "Buck" in the limerick.

Woodpecker
I knew a young wrITer named “Buck”
Whose prose routinely contained "Fuck",
Though his night terrors remained,
And his bed sheets dream stained,
He was ultimately killed by a truck.

Omphuss - Take One

One story of a writer named "Buck"
Suggests he was hit by a truck
That isn't quite it
He was having a shit
The man shared Elvis' luck

Omphuss - Take Two

There was a poor writer named Buck
On the can he ran out of luck
His mitts he employed
To his bits overjoyed
And died dreaming of sheep he could fuck

Omphuss - Take Three

There was a fella named Buck
Who died from the Jame Gumm tuck
He rammed his ham and eggs
Down between his legs
And panicked when they got stuck

Woodpecker- Part Deux

There was a little pecker named Buck
The bottom he never did fuck
But on each of those rides
He banged the hell outta the sides
Never worrying once about getting stuck.

Michael's Mom

Buck wanted to fuck this hot stripper
He made sure he was her best tipper
When she finally agreed
To ride him like a steed
It was just too much for his ticker

Woodpecker- Number 3

Buck referred to his pecker as Ticker
Twas about as big as a sticker
With a stripper hot as hell
Ticker went and hid in his shell
Buck ended up having to lick her.