Sick Love - Omphuss

Why Tori Amos Would Be an Ideal Girlfriend

Here are some of the pros and cons to having Tori Amos as your girlfriend.

Pro: No matter what you did, whatever the last guy did it was worse and she would have written a song about that prick.

Con: The break-up would be all dramatic and then you would be the prick and she would write a song about you.

Pro: After the break-up, Tori Amos would, without fail, write a song about you. Her lawyers would make sure that it wasn't so bad and that you could not be specifically identified but every time she made that face at the end of her latest "men are douchebags and my daddy tried to see me naked" song, you would know that she was making that face at you. It would be better than getting to smack her right after she finished singing her latest "men are douchebags..." song.

Con: She could have an enormous, firey bush. I mean enormous, something that would embarrass a Russian peasant.

Pro: Come on, Tori Amos is such a headcase that you know she tore out all of her pubic hair while Lindsay Lohan was still trying to become a Mousekateer.

Con: She may have kept that pubic hair.

Pro: You could probably sell her pubic hair to a fat woman who owns all of Tori's European releases. Sell it for a lot and don't ask what the fat lady intends to do with it. Nobody needs to know about a Tori Amos merkin.

Pro: She would buy you all sorts of gifts.

Con: The gifts would suck, like a really, really nice dream catcher or her hymen suspended in pure grain alcohol.

Pro: You could probably sell those gifts, along with her pubic hair, to her fattest fan and buy a 60 inch flat panel television or an ATV.

Con: If you ever made a sex tape with Tori Amos and that sex tape "accidentally" found its way to the open market, Tori Amos has that sort of skin that gets really angry during sex and people would inevitably think, "Oh my god, he punched her in the pussy while they were having sex."

Pro: People would think that you had puncher her in the pussy...regularly.

Con: The police or a judge might think you had punched her in the pussy and that never bodes well during the sentencing phase.

Pro: You could easily pretend that you were sexing up Kerri from Mythbusters.

Con: Somehow, Grant from Mythbusters would definitely come into play in the fantasy and it would be the Grant before he got his teeth fixed. It could also be Jamie and you would be forced to think, "What the hell is in his moustache?"

Pro: I think Tori Amos' dad was some sort of minister. You could wear a roman collar to bed and it would definitely get weird, in a good way.

Con: You might have to go to church when you visited her parents.

Pro: Church might make her hot. She is a headcase.

Con: All your friends would always be like, "Dude, you had sex with Tori Amos."

Pro: What the hell did they ever do with their dicks? You banged Tori Amos.