He Did It

Nowhereville, ND, Sunday January 17th, 2010

Police in Nowhereville, North Dakota report Omphuss, noted raconteur and ne'er do well, has confessed to murdering Michael's Mom.

"GUILTY!?! He was a drooling savant, a monkey, an abscess on the ass of Thomas Kincaid, the goddamn Wandering Jew, a hack bitch. He was an insult contrived by a priaptic poodle with a sissy's voice and a powder puff hairdo. I done him like any Karma fearing Buddhist would have done," screamed Omphuss as he was dragged from a squad car to the town jail by 11 straining, local law men.

"Omphuss, beyond having the strength of 10 men and a huger pecker, has the strength of his convictions. He believes in art and follow through. Clearly, this scumbag, Michael's Mom, infuriated him and contravened the laws of nature. I believe Omphuss acted as any man would have. He busted Michel's Mom like a pussy pimple and I salute him for it," said Nowhereville County Sheriff, Lance Gestapo.

"We took him (Omphuss) while he was masturbating to a old issue of National Geogrpahic. That disturbed my boys on account of the fact that he had spread a pull out centerfold of a manatee on the bathroom floor. My boys are sensitive and don't grasp the concept of the Strength to Will and whatnot like myself and other right thinking men," added the sheriff.

Some viewed Michael's Mom as the next Jackie Collins and hospitals across the country have reported a rise in spot balding and cracked morals as the mentally retarded population appears to have taken hair pulling and the gnashing of teeth too far at the report of the loss of an idol.

Normal people simply shrugged. "Who cares?" asked James Whitenbread. This reporter was unclear on whether Mr. Whitenbread was responding to the news of Michael's Mom passing or the startling self abuse by the developmentally challenged community. Mr. Whitenbread would not answer any further questions, as he was engrossed in smoking a Kool 120 and had to get back behind the counter at Orange Julius in "like 3 minutes."

Omphuss will be arraigned in county court next week.

"Omphuss picked the right spot to do this fella. No jury around here is going to find him guilty. We hate faggots."

Michael's Mom was a well known faggot. He appraently died after a withering stream of abuse was heaped on him by Omphuss. It is reported that Omphuss can be brutal, can really get you where you live.