Thrown down by Omphuss, the assignment is to write a newspaper article you would love to read, but never ever will.
July 7th, 3:16 pm- Angels beat Devils on last second Hail Mary
By Woodpecker
The Angels defeated the Devils last night on a last second Hail Mary from Jesus to John. Trailing 6-0 with only seconds remaining, Jesus hurled a 77 yard miracle, lifting the Angels to a 7-6 victory. Jesus had been knocked out of the contest earlier in the quarter after several sacks that could only be described as a vicious beating. He was carted off the field on a cross and the hopes of the team were thought to be buried. However, 3 minutes later he rose and conquered.
The game was sloppy the entire way and filled with controversy. Angels WR Peter was called for off-sides thrice during the game and the Angels were penalized for twelve disciples on the field multiple times. In what is believed to be a first, Angels center Judas actually switched teams before the game was over. Angels coach God said in a post game interview, “Judas simply wasn’t happy with his contract negotiations and settled for a 666 figure salary with the Devils. We think he’ll regret the move for all eternity, but wish him nothing but the best.”
The winning play would not have been possible without a crucial block from a former leper whom Jesus healed earlier in the game. When asked about the play, the Leper simply stated, “I owed him”.
The Angels looked to have a sure score in the first quarter when starting tailback Moses rushed through a gaping hole after the Devils defense just seemed to part. However, Moses was unable to reach the Promised Land and ended up wandering for 40 yards before eventually fumbling the ball away when it turned into a snake. “That was my mistake. Coach God called Exodus right and I just didn’t trust the play.”
The game was halted for 40 minutes and 40 seconds in the second period after an irrigation pipe broke and caused a massive flood. Stadium Ground Chief Noah had warned of this flood for many years and an investigation is sure to be conducted on the system which effectively wiped out Stadium Mankind.
Devils Head Coach Satan was visibly upset with his team’s performance. In a post game Babel Coach Satan proclaimed, “The off-season free agent market is extremely good right now. With just a little temptation we should be able to sign both Adam and Eve at a minimum. We also have our sights set on several other souls and will not rest until the World is ours.”
In response to a recent article in the sensational news magazine “Pharisee”, Coach God shockingly admitted that Jesus was his son. However, He firmly denied reports of a sexual relationship with Jesus’ mother Mary.
Jesus could not be found for comment after the game, but promised to return again someday to talk about other Revelations.
A Journey of 1000 Commutes
9 years ago
Hey,
ReplyDeleteEnar here. We have a saying back in Uppsala that translates roughly into: "You can't jump over your head." This saying has a sister saying: "If your blanket can cover your head and feet, then you are a rich man." These are two reasons why I hate my homeland.
These are so many games in the world, and I love about two percent of them. Most of them have cracks that take away the strategy forever. Then there are games with luck. I hate that.
I guess this is my way of venting about the $4,200 that I lost at the roulette wheel in Atlantic City. I should have bought the game myself and installed it in my basement, so that when I eventually lost that much to myself, I would have something to destroy with a sledge hammer.
When I was a kid, there was a video game at the local smorgasbord that translates roughly into the name Pick Moon. In Pick Moon, the main character was a boring yellow circle--you--that would race through a maze eating little white dots . . . all the while chased by four Russian mafioso.
The Red One was named Vladdy, the Pink One Fedor, the Orange One Mikhail, and the Blue One was named Inky.
There were four metamphetamine tablets, one in each corner of the maze. If you ate one of these, you gained cannibal power, and if you used it correctly by eating the Russians, they would be sent temporarily back to Leningrad.
In any case, they knifed me thousands of times. It became infuriating, before I discovered that there was a crack in the game. Two cracks, actually. A pattern that, if followed precisely, rendered the mafioso unable to catch you. And a hiding place.
I loved the hiding place. The only problem with the hiding place was that once you entered it, you could no longer use the pattern.
So that was always the dilemma, follow the same pattern over and over and reach a new high score, or else sit in hiding and enjoy the frustration of the evil race.
Sorry for the ramble.